Patterns

It has been a long couple of weeks, being rejected by graduate programs and the sudden realization that I am an adult has kept me away from doing anything but whining and moping around San Diego. I lacked the emotional strength to want to think about anything interesting or even completely read an entire book. I seemed to wander about as an empty shell of my normal self, trying to simply make it through each day. For a while, I thought I was going to be trapped into a Sisyphusian pattern of simply waking every morning and doing the same routine as the day before. It was a tragic state bordering on “Emo” depravation.

Upon looking back at this state, (I am much better now, thanks for asking), I can not help wondering if humans have become doomed to repeat cycles. If our life is nothing but a pattern that we passively follow every day following the lines…wake, eat, work, eat, sleep, repeat. (Obviously slightly more elaborate, but that works as an example). I just could not imagine become a creature of habit, to extent that every day is the same they had 5 years ago. Camus sums up this issue here…

"The workman of today works every day in his life at the same tasks, and this fate is no less absurd. But it is tragic only at the rare moments when it becomes conscious."

Only Camus puts incredible emphasis on becoming aware of your pattern and making a choice change, to revolt against the pattern and live a life without it, one that is full of passion. However, there are people who find extreme comfort from living within this construction. They have accepted this life and find it comfortable.

Recently I have been struggling with notion that post-modernism puts forward, that there are no clear absolutes, no ultimate truth, that everything is relative. This notion seems like bullshit with considering the inevitability of patterns in our life. We are doomed to live in a pattern, either have it be life consuming or a pattern of rejecting patterns.

Why I Won't Become a High School Teacher...

So…I haven’t been getting into Graduate programs. Lets face the simple fact that, I probably will not be getting into any particular school this time around. Even though I am 3 for 4 on rejection letters, I have given up hope on getting into Michigan and have decided upon a newer plan.
Actually, this does not mean the end. It is so funny how success equates progress in our culture, that my life must be over if I do not get into Grad School. All of sudden because of little setbacks I must now get a real job and settle into some sort of domesticated life. Maybe get a job, where I actually have to work and forget my silly little academic ambitions. I gave it a good try (make a fist and now make a hook movement with it a la 1950’s style) but now its time to make some serious goals and get a serious job. What if I don’t want too?
I am just not ready to commit to a job that begins to molds me, where I might spend years working for the betterment of a company only to leave with nothing. Yes, they did pay you, and you might have a fancy new computer because of your salary, but after you leave, there is nothing. Nothing that you can claim as yours, no life defining moments. I would much rather work at a coffee shop to earn money, while still doing academic research (for a degree or not), than be financially secure in an typical job. Its an investment in myself, as in spending time to develop myself, rather than blowing time working to be financially secure.